Okay, I probably haven't time to write up properly about Sunday but I'll give it a go. Need to start at some point anyway. Now, where did I get up to? Okay. So Sunday, I woke up about 15 mins before my alarm was to go off (as had been the case for quite a few days) which was fine. Nothing to worry about – I even got there ON TIME!!! which made a change! So was very happy with that but still felt a bit of a bundle of nerves. Both Phil and Ana kept reassuring me that the questions weren't a test, which I know, but it didn't help simply because I already knew that! Never mind; they tried, which was kind of them.

Anyway, answering the questions I knew the answers (obviously) but just couldn't get the right words. I had to keep stopping to think of what I wanted to try and say, and then to try to work out what word I needed. Not fun, and it often happens that I forget what I'm saying, but it hasn't felt this bad for a while. He understood though – they're both very perceptive and know when something's wrong, plus he already knew because Ana had asked if I was okay, and I briefly just said not really! So Phil knowing helped, because there's nothing worse than having to try to pretend everything's fine, especially when it clearly isn't. He was very understanding, so yay. He's had lots of experience, with Ana having huge problems of her own (poor guy, having to spend time with us two nutcases!) so I felt that he understood, even if not as a sufferer but as a ... whatever the word is.

I felt pretty lightheaded by the end of it, which he said was due to anxiety, and ached a bit sort of in my intestinal area (anxiety again, I know). After that, Celsa had phoned to cancel her study so Ana and I watched a video about how the Bible has survived to our day. It was very interesting, very encouraging and probably just what we both needed. One point that stood out to me was the hypocrisy of the Catholic church: they excommunicated Martin Luther for translating the Bible into the vernacular, yet didn't excommunicate Hitler?!? Where's the sense in that?! Interestingly enough one priest involved in persecuting and burning alive those who tried to make the Bible available to people, said that he didn't care whether those burning were innocent or guilty, as long as it kept the masses in fear. Huh, such wonderful, caring clergy were around in those days! I think not. But I digress.

After that we had lunch, and I still felt strange; in fact, more so if anything. (Lunch was very nice though.) During the talk I started feeling sick and quite woozy, and very shaky inside. I managed to concentrate, but could just feel myself getting more and more wound up for no reason. I just about managed to answer up in the Watchtower but sort of wished I'd kept my mouth shut because I gave such a horrendously rubbish answer – and yet it was all I could manage to string together. It took enough energy and mental effort to get out one simple, obvious sentence (and only just) that there was no way I'd have been able to think of anything like my usual answers. That was very frustrating actually – usually I can give answers that actually have been thought about, but it felt like even that had been taken away from me.

That said, before going to the meeting I hadn't been sure I'd last out even until the end of the talk. I'd had thoughts go through my mind about having a panic attack or fainting or just having to go out to calm myself down, and that fortunately didn't happen. I have Jehovah to thank for that, certainly. So to actually even manage to answer was quite an achievement at that point. Doesn't make me feel much better right now though.

After the meeting I felt really odd, and as though there were tears somewhere nearby; I didn't realise how close I was though. I managed to talk to Andrea, auntie Gladys (briefly) and a few others whilst holding myself together. Lightheaded, sick, shaky, unsteady – I was pretty surprised when my hands didn't seem to be shaking, because I felt I was quaking like ... I don't know, something that quakes a lot. I went over to say hi to auntie Lisa and Tracy, and tell Tracy how great it was to see her again (her husband is very much opposed to her being a Witness and makes life very difficult, so when she can get there – especially with the children – it's wonderful) but auntie Lisa asked me how I was right away, which was when I broke down. I did manage to say what I wanted to Tracy, just about (through tears!) but then she left auntie Lisa and I to it. Brothers and sisters are always lovely and sensitive like that. So I just poured it out, with a few lovely hugs from her (they are amazing!) and felt a bit better for having at least released it a bit. The worst was to come though.

I was going to go on the ministry, and was quite ready for it (or so I thought) but after the brief group for ministry, Ana spoke to me and commended me for having got so far and asked if I was really up to ministry. I had thought I was, but then crumpled again. I remember almost bumping into Aidan as I rushed to get some tissue from the toilet, and attempted to compose myself. Tried again – I came out of the toilets and overheard Ana saying to uncle Kevin something along the lines of 'think she should go home' and I went to stand by them, and they asked if I was up to it. Found it exceedingly difficult even for those 10 or 15 seconds to hold myself together and the short time between not crying and going into the mothers' room I vaguely remember not much! But I remember saying 'I don't think I'm up to it' and starting crying again, and then I remember uncle Kevin putting his hand on my shoulder – you know when you hug someone and rub your hand on their back a bit? Like that, in a consoling kind of way. That was quite comforting, and then Ana took me into the mothers' room and we had a short chat. I can't remember what was said, but I do remember not knowing what to do with myself, whether to laugh or cry, whether I was up to ministry or not, but in the end we decided it was best I just go home. I felt bad for brother Yao, thinking he had a partner and then not having one, but he seemed fine with it when he passed a little later on (Ana informed him for me).

After that I stood around for a little, waiting for Phil to finish nattering so I could be taken home. Ana sat down and said to sit beside her, which was good because I was feeling very lightheaded – more so than before. I just didn't know what to do with myself – tried holding it together, with a measure of success, but at some point between thinking I was going out and then, I'd started physically shaking, so much so that Ana first thought I was cold. Just about kept it together for a while, then started crying again so Ana took us to the car. I felt really bad not speaking properly to Lydia and Simon when we passed them on the way out and they said goodbye, but I wasn't up to it. In the car I sat trying to hold it in, but after a short while Ana said 'I don't mind if you cry, darling. Don't hold it in' which set me off again but was a relief. At that point it just seemed like I'd never stop crying; I couldn't imagine feeling okay enough to be able to. At the same time I felt awful though, because she knows what it's like, and so to witness first-hand anyone suffer that must be absolutely horrible, and it's not as if she hasn't her own problems either. She said to me 'I'm so sorry to see you suffer like this' which brought another wave of tears. It is however so very liberating knowing that somebody fully understands, and having their support – there's not much that can be practically done to help but I know that if there were she would, and the moral support and understanding counts for so much. Probably more than any practical gesture would, to be honest.

Do you know, even when I came so close to losing my mind a while ago (it was rock bottom in terms of actually being able to concentrate on or think about anything – every single thought that passed through my mind was questioned. I didn't know what were my thoughts and what were those induced by the OCD and even wondered for a while if I were possessed by a demon!) I didn't ever cry like that, or ever feel that ill, or ever feel that trapped. I can't describe it. It's sort of a blur of tears and absolute pit of despair. I'm wondering now if that was a panic attack, or just close to – or just overwhelming anxiety being released. I can't really remember anything physical other than the tears; just that it hurt so much and I wanted to curl up and go to sleep and never wake again. I guess technically as before that my heart had been going like the clappers, I was shaking, feeling lightheaded, and then I actually felt completely detached, it was.

To top it all, I opened my eyes when my nose felt really very disgustingly runny – it was a nosebleed. Of course. A nosebleed in itself – fine, I can cope. But I had to go back in, with people still around, try and clean myself up while I still just wanted to collapse and expire. Very soon it became apparent that crying whilst holding one's nose in order to stop bleeding just doesn't work – I guess in a way that's how I started to calm down, because I had no choice. Not that I was calm at any point until the next morning (was I calm then? Oh, no. But.) but it helped ease it a little. Nice and ironic there.

I've got to the point now where my brain has almost completed its transformation to mush, so I shall have to leave it. Suffice it to say that I haven't felt normal at all since Friday. I've been almost constantly lightheaded, more often than not feeling sick, headache, loss of visual focus, and generally feeling a bit nauseated with very little appetite. Not to mention complete exhaustion and overall feeling of lethargy.

Monday was: job centre, library, Cedars fiddle fiesta. Tuesday (yesterday): trying to do something useful (failed), Harlington fiddle fiesta, group. Today: trying again to be useful (failed again), tutoring, LYO. So a normal week whilst feeling a wreck. I can see why depression is so very co-morbid with anxiety disorders. It would be so easy to feel sorry for myself, and in all honesty I would just like to spend a month or so in bed with the hope of sleeping it off, and I just do not feel like doing anything whatsoever. I can't even get enthusiastic about ... well, anything, right now. Tomorrow's plans are: ministry, prepare for meeting, meeting. Friday: driving lesson, ministry, Redborne fiddle fiesta. I don't feel excited about any of it. In fact, the only emotion I get from any of it is dread. Crazy, absolutely crazy. Tomorrow should be a brilliant day, doing the three activities I absolutely love the most, and then Friday should be great too – productive and fun. But I don't want to do any of it; I just would like to curl up into a little ball and let everything pass me by. However, I know that I must push myself as far as possible because otherwise depressed feelings'll creep in and I can definitely see myself ending up developing agoraphobia of one form or another. Drastic result yes, but from small beginnings. It's what would happen if I let myself not do anything I didn't want to for a few weeks. Must do it while I can to prevent that from happening!

It is difficult to remain positive, and even just this hour spent recounting it I can see what could happen in terms of becoming a recluse – and that's not even taking into account the completely soul-destroying effect that 'giving in' to OCD has, or to whatever else may be specific to other conditions.

Just one last thing: there are panic attacks, and there are light symptom attacks. I realised I've been having pretty much waves of light symptom attacks since Saturday afternoon, if not before. Fun. This evening at LYO was probably the worst I've felt for a medium-length of time since Sunday though – I just wanted to get out of there asap, and I kept sort of wanting to faint purely to alleviate the lightheadedness. There were points at which I had to try to control the breathing because I knew if I didn't I would probably start to have a full panic attack. That would have not only been scary (by definition) but embarrassing. Plus I'm not sure observing someone having one is much fun for anyone else, so yeah. Oh, also, interestingly enough, Cass's barking when I went tutoring made me feel so dizzy that I seem to recall thinking I might fall over, and going momentarily sort of half-blind, because my brain was so concentrating on keeping my body standing that it shut out any recognition of visual stimulus. Interesting. Also when the music to which I am listening went a bit too loud, it had a similar effect but whilst sitting so the vision stayed.

It is fascinating that the physical effects are probably equally distressing as the mental effects, if not more so at times. I certainly know why Ana talks about nerves beating a person up – they do, both physically, mentally; and in fact emotionally too. They drain one so much that emotions are affected certainly.


I would like to end with a disclaimer, similar to that with which I started my previous post. This was not intended to be a wallowing, self-pitying post, rather to a) clear my mind, and b) to give a bit of insight to others who haven't experienced this sort of thing, or to this extent. The one final thing I would like to point out though is that it has the potential to be a lot worse, and it is a very real possibility that it could be. So there are millions of other people suffering even more, and likely I shall I some point. However, humans are surprisingly resilient, and we cope with what we have to!

Maybe writing this now at this time of night isn't such a good idea, but I need to.

DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this post is NOT for sympathy. Rather, to show how mental health problems are not just about feeling sad or needing to have things all neatly lined up, or whatever. There are things specific to certain conditions, yes - hence there are different names for different sets of symptoms. However, the following seems to be typical of any anxiety disorder at least, if not mental health problems in general.

Also: None of this is exaggeration - none of the timings or lack of functional ability; none of it. It is all described as best I can as experienced.


It starts on Friday, 4th July. I actually don't think that getting the train on time and feeling that I messed Jenny around helped, but ministry in the morning worked out okay overall. Except when I completely messed up talking to one lady (poor woman) which really won't have helped. I'd forgotten about that. Between ministry and my driving lesson it may have started though - I was at the Brownies' house and they gave me lunch, but I of course ate it slower than I'd have liked, so ended up finishing a few minutes after my lesson was supposed to start. That was probably when things started to go wrong really.

All through the lesson I was totally unsure of myself and punishing myself for not knowing quite what to do, and generally just feeling stupid for being a rubbish driver. Thinking about it now I was feeling a bit weird certainly halfway through the lesson when I did the three-point turn, though reversing round a corner before that was probably more of a trigger. Plus all of the problems I'm having with driving (clutch control - lack thereof - and being afraid to use the accelerator too much, etc) seemed to be worse. Maybe I was just anxious already and my mind magnified things? Quite possibly; I can't be sure. In fact, thinking about it, I just felt less in control of the car than I generally do, which is scary. Ha, I also saw on the road 'NO ENTRY' and got very confused. It took me a few minutes (literally) to work out which way up it was - whether it was for me to take heed or for traffic the other way. (I always get confused with 'SLOW' on two-way roads for that same reason.)

The relatively major thing was the huge roundabout. It was very busy, and even before that I'd been feeling a bit unable to cope. There was a moment on the road coming up to the roundabout when I realised I was stressed because I suddenly felt like being quite defensive and the thought that came to mind was to snap at Norman. I didn't; I controlled myself (he's done nothing wrong; I'm the one doing it all rubbishly so why should I take it out on him? No way!!!) but that shocked me a little. Then the roundabout. My feet haven't yet got used to slow clutch + fast accelerator (I should know by now that it's not going to even do 20 in first gear, but I never remember!) which is a vital combination at roundabouts as most of you will know. So I panicked and stalled. Try again - I stalled, again. That was when real panic tried to take over.

(I don't know how many of you reading this have ever had a panic attack. If you have, you'll know the sort of panic I mean. If you haven't, well, I can't explain how it feels - other than absolutely terrifying - and long may you continue not to have one!) That shocked me a bit more, because I realised in the midst of my mind just trying to shut down and not coping and starting to cry that the symptoms were that of the onset of a panic attack. When that happens, the two options are: panic even more, or try to control it. Amazingly enough, even while the mind is in that state there is still a voice of (relative) reason. This voice rescued me - it said along the lines of 'you are behind the wheel of a car. You CAN NOT have a panic attack behind the wheel of this car (or any other, but) especially as you are at this roundabout.' So I continued to cry but managed to regain some mental functionality and actually drive, as such.

After that Norman was asking me why I was crying - not in a comforting way but not in any malicious way either - and told me that everybody does it, even he has before. I couldn't describe why I was crying at all (of course it didn't register to actually explain quite what had been going on in the noggin) but managed to pull myself together a bit. We then hit some very heavy traffic coming up to another roundabout which took every ounce of effort I could muster to [literally] grit my teeth and not panic again. It was crawling along which was much better than lots of fast traffic, but I was quite ready to succomb to tears again.

When I finished I wasn't quite physically shaking, but inside I felt as though I was. No idea what my heart rate was but I don't think I want to know! When we finish the lesson we tend to have a bit of a chat as a sort of ... what's the word? Debrief? Maybe. Anyway, I then realised I should probably explain why I'd fallen to tears but just thinking about it made me want to cry again, so I didn't. I felt so stupid, but I didn't know why it made me want to cry again and just didn't want to feel even more stupid by giving in again.


Thinking about it, especially after today, I think until the body has had that release (namely crying) it's still all pent-up anxiety that needs to be released. It really does help to calm one down.


After the lesson I went to the library to prepare for my study on Sunday, and it was a bit difficult to concentrate (though I had no idea what was coming the next day!) Ministry after that was great - worked with Lydia then Peter. I was pretty exhausted by the end.


Yesterday (Saturday) was interesting. Ministry in the morning was great - I worked with Ana and then with Peter. It was a lovely day and the morning went fantastically well despite not much of a response. The afternoon started fine - I made a list of things I had to do and allocated time to each one. The first I tackled was doing a mileage invoice for Stepping Stones. I'd allocated an hour, thinking I was being generous - it took over two! I could not believe it. Still, I thought it was okay because after the alloted time for everything there were still a couple of spare hours. It was undoubtedly a factor though.

After that I went up to finish preparing for my study, although I went into the bathroom first. My mind got me (I'd rather not elucidate on that) and I wasted about 45 minutes. By now my time was becoming tight and therefore precious.

That was probably the start of Saturday's insanity. Two reasons: a) I'd wasted time and b) I'd given in to OCD when I knew that I hadn't time to. Plus it's just such a self-esteem destroyer anyway! So when I started to finish preparing for my study I kept getting distracted. Not by external things but my mind just kept wandering fairly often. That was okay - I could cope with that. But then by the end of preparing it was a real struggle to concentrate on anything. I had to pray hard to ask Jehovah to just help me to concentrate enough to finish - he did help, certainly. With a lot of hard work I got there.

By now my mind was just not on anything, so I took a break. It so happened that at that time my parents came back with dinner so we ate, and I went on the computer to notate some musical ideas. That was my sole intention - but I completely forgot and wondered why I was actually on there! I was then going to go back on the computer only for the duration of Casualty (which I thought started 20 minutes earlier than it did) and after wasting another 20 mins remembered why I'd gone on the computer. So I went back on, couldn't remember the musical ideas whatsoever and kept being distracted constantly anyway:

> I checked my e-mails before opening Sibelius, and then started a conversation with Dave. I remembered to open Sibelius about half an hour later.

> After an hour, I then remembered that I'd opened Sibelius - I discovered that I hadn't actually even created a score; I hadn't even gone past the adding instruments stage.

> Somewhere amongst that I was replying to a message from Luke via Facebook. It took me between half and three-quarters of an hour after writing it to remember to send it.

> I could feel my mind flitting all over the place more and more, my heart rate rising, increasing light-headedness, and as though I were shaking inside. I also could NOT leave my hair alone, searching through with my fingers for split ends and 'odd' hairs to pull off / out. I hate it.

> When trying to converse with Dave, I kept typing things all wrongly - missing out words, typing letters the wrong way round (end letters first, or missing the first letter and adding it at the end, or just general mixing up of letters) and even missing whole parts of sentences. Not that this doesn't happen unless I'm anxious - far from it. But the clue lies in the severity and frequency of mistakes. This felt like it was bordering on some sort of aphasia.

Do you know, even when I realised that Sibelius was open and that I had to send the message to Luke, I promptly forgot and it took between ten and fifteen minutes to remember again? Mad.

I finally had to give up on the conversation and attempt to get ready for bed. Dave was quite understanding, fortunately. It was a case of simply being unable to function in any orderly manner and feeling so very, very pent-up that I just didn't know what to do with myself. It wasn't the sort that overwhelms resulting in crying, but the sort that prevents any notion of coherent thought or action. Fine motor skills themselves also are affected, resulting in yet more frustration with typing.

Showering in itself wasn't too bad. The getting round to getting in was difficult but when I knew Mum was coming upstairs that was the motivation I needed to break free and actually get in. I was out of the shower before Mum went to bed, so it was okay. If circumstances had been different it would have been much worse.

I think the worst thing about it was knowing that there was no way I could concentrate to prepare the Watchtower study article for the meeting. I'd managed to read through (just) earlier on but I could not concentrate at all on anything. I tried to read through it again before going to bed but couldn't even take in the first sentence. I prayed and prayed for help - either to concentrate or just endure, whichever was best in Jehovah's eyes - and hoped to read the next chapter of Acts instead. That wasn't happening. So I just about managed to read Ps 34:16, Ps 55:22 and Phil 4:6,7, and I tried to mull over the scripture in Phillippians especially.

> Phillippians 4:6,7 says: "Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus."

> It's the part that says "the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers" that is so appropriate.

I couldn't even concentrate on my prayer - but I know Jehovah understands what problems we all have, and that he listens anyway. As long as I opened my heart to him I knew that he would listen and would answer. My main concerns were that I could sleep and that I could get out in the morning on time, and both of those requests were answered wonderfully :o)

To be continued ... (bearing in mind it's gone 2am. I've cleared my mind a bit now anyway.)

OK, orchestra. Are you sitting comfortably? Well this is going to be one long entry!

Wednesday: Waiting for the bus was cold but really good – as soon as Billy came along he started talking, and when he started talking, I started smiling. It’s just the effect he has on people – he’s just so funny! But bearing in mind it was hat and scarf weather, by the time I got on the bus my cheeks were frozen into a permanent smile lol. Fortunately my hands thawed out by the time we got there – oh yeah, this was when we had snow too. That was fun. Snow and darkness are just all romantic and nice, so long as you’re on the inside, and warm. But anyway. When we were dropping off at the schools, the driver went the way to Mark Rutherford, and we could see it, then he turned off to do the other schools. I thought that was rather mean of him, because all the people there are the last to be dropped off, and the first to be picked up, so they do get the raw end of the deal rather. Anyway, Billy got bored so Heather said something to him, and I thought she’d said to look out for houses with balconies. I was busily looking out for one (at this point I was bored and stimming madly away) but I’m now not sure that’s what she said - when I said ‘oh look, a balcony,’ nobody could have cared less. Oh well – it did actually keep me occupied! So my recommendation – on long boring journeys, look out for houses with balconies lol.

Anyway, we were a little late which made me even more terrified than I already was. Lol Billy said ‘quick! They’ve already started – they’re seven bars in!’ - um, yes Billy. That made me laugh, and even relaxed me a little for a few moments, but not knowing the school at all I was terrified of getting lost – amongst other things. In fact I was just plain terrified, and was shaking like mad – just as much as on the first day of chamber course actually, if not more so. When Jonny smiled and waved as I came in I was very glad, though it didn’t make me any less scared at all. I guess it would have been worse though if I’d not seen any friendly faces at all, so I was honestly very glad that he acknowledged me. I hurriedly set up, though in fact we had about a quarter or so of the orchestra on our bus, and they’d not yet started tuning – it’s just that everyone who was already there had sat themselves down. It turned out that I didn’t have a chair, so I had to clamber through the cello section again to find one, so of course I had to pick a wobbly one … Oh well. That really wasn’t top of my list of worries! There was also no space behind the back desk for me, so I had to sit next to fourth desk, which was annoying – I’d much have preferred to have been behind them. Though it was useful in the Sibelius to see where Julian’s fingers were, so I got far less lost than I would have done otherwise. (Julian being the guy next to me.) There also weren’t enough viola folders at that point, so I had some viola music in … a bassoon folder. Um, we sight-read through the Berlioz (Roman Carnival Overture) which was a bit of a shocker – lol I looked through it and thought it looked OK, but didn’t realise quite how fast it was going to be … I now have the opening in my head! Though the next section was nice and slow, with a cor anglais solo and just a generally nice melody – I still couldn’t count it though lol! And when it went back into 6/8 – well, that was the shocker really! Rather fast and erm, sprightly! So then we tried to go through some of the Sibelius – um, yeah. *looks quickly elsewhere* That was … interesting. Mind-bogglingly counting-orientated … lol. Twas kind of funny though – well, when looking back, at least.

At break I tagged along with Cath, before sectionals. Lol I had half an hour to become terrified all over again before sectionals, though I was only really scared this time, instead of utterly petrified. Anyway – I thought at that time we’d have Chen, but after Andy and Alex (I was always mixing them up – both on front desk) had organised the room, the tutor came in. Now I’d like to think I’m fairly open-minded, but after having been told Chen’s from Singapore I really didn’t think the guy walking in looked like a Chen – in fact he actually looked like a Nick, seeing as he told us that was his name :P Anyway, we worked on the Sibelius. I can’t really remember much, but I think that was the day we probably worked on the bowing for the triplets within the triplet quavers of the 12/8 section. Lol. I couldn’t do it (quelle surprise(!)) at all at any point throughout the course, so ended up just tremoloing it all. Didn’t matter though – it was all really quiet and so long as the notes were vaguely right … Anyway, it was mini triplet bowing really, which is still an impossibility at the moment. I just can’t get my head around it at any sort of speed. Oh well. So that wasn’t too bad, fortunately. Also it was more of a wrist stroke, and when Nick noticed my tubigrip, he asked what it was, then said I had the perfect excuse for not doing it lol!

I’d like to write about Andy. No I don’t *like* him, but he reminded me so much of Graham that I just have to say about it. OK, well the first thing that made me do a bit of a double-take was his voice – it has the same tonal quality but is ever so slightly higher in pitch. Thing is, it wasn’t just that. His hands are the same, and the way they move are exactly the same also. The things he says about the music, i.e. what to do with it; how to play it exactly, they’re all things that would come out of Graham’s mouth. The way he just moves generally when sitting down (they have completely different walks) – well, mostly arms then I guess – but that’s exactly the same. Lol a lot of the little mannerisms just look camp on Andy, but weirdly on Graham they’re just … well, Graham. Oh LOL! One way in which they differ – Andy does this thing – he sort of pulls up his shoulders, with his hands between his legs, and puts his legs together and pulls them up a bit so that only his toes are touching the floor, then he’ll relax. I described that really rubbishly, but it just reminded me of a happy little girl! Made me laugh. In fact a lot of the things he did made me laugh – internally of course, it would have been rude to actually laugh at him! Oh yeah, and Graham is (as far as we know!) not gay. But he just fascinated me; though I think I probably stared at him too much or something because at one point when I was behind him in the corridor he looked behind, then said something quietly to Alex, and they both started laughing. Perhaps I was being paranoid, but honestly I think I probably unwittingly watched him far too much. I couldn’t help it – as I said, I was fascinated, and once that’s happened I can’t stop watching! It was just uncanny the way he reminded me of Graham, though a little annoying after a while actually! I say annoying because of what I’ve just written above – in sectionals I was always watching him. I so hope he didn’t think I *liked* him or anything, but how does one go about telling someone else that they fascinate them? And especially the reason – he’d just think I was even weirder than he already does. And it’s not wise to have the leader of the section thinking you’re completely and utterly loony … oh well. Lol I’ll try next course not to watch him quite so much!

Anyway, lunchtime – I can’t remember much. Oh! Mandy was looking for Cath (Mandy being 2^nd violinist, Upper 6^th, and my kind of person lol – very English-orientated though (i.e. lang/lit,) but not quite obsessed) and we couldn’t find her, so I tagged along with Mandy, and sat with her with some other girls. It was actually quite good because Mr Quinn (cello tutor for 2^nd orch) came over and we all had a laugh. Not sure what about exactly, but it was all just general chat. Though they did play around with his digital camera (that’s a point – wonder if they’ve put up any photos at all?) which was just funny. I enjoyed that lunchtime actually! Lol the cellists there were complaining that Julian (Metzger) worked them too hard, and just when they’d stopped moaning, he walked past. Perfect timing! I like him though – we had him for a day on chamber course and he was really cool. Very helpful and yeah, I liked him. Very … well, quite passionate about getting it right. Not a complete perfectionist, but more wanting to get it as musical as possible – preferably with the right notes, but a few slips, so long as they don’t sound bad, are acceptable. At least that’s how he struck me – at the beginning of the day he scared me a bit, but I soon liked him. Anyway – enough of him! Oh yeah, at lunchtime I passed Mr Shaylor – was it lunchtime? Or maybe at break? Oh well, at one point anyway – and I said hi to him, and he just looked at me. I didn’t think he’d recognised me because he didn’t say anything, so I decided to leave it after that.

In sectional we worked on the Berlioz mostly. Neurgh – I couldn’t do much of it. But yeah. Oh – we found one of the people we thought would be coming actually wasn’t, so re-shuffling of the desks meant that I was on the inside of 4^th desk, though I keep saying I was only on 4^th because I couldn’t get any further back! Um, yeah. Oh, Nicky Fisher remembered me from chamber course – I was quite surprised actually. Still, that was cool. I doubt we did a great deal of work in that sectional, or the morning sectional either – in fact we didn’t ever do a full sectional’s work lol. A fair bit of chatting went on! During full we played Sibelius’ ‘Der Schwan aus Tuonela’ which was hauntingly beautiful. Vivienne played the cor solo, which made up a fair amount of the piece, and my goodness, she was astounding. It’s not really the most technically demanding solo ever, but her tone was out of this world. Better than any professional recording of a cor that I have, although at the concert her tone wasn’t the best ever, which was a shame. But my goodness I loved that piece. At that point I wasn’t counting properly, but even so I knew I loved it. It sent shivers down my spine virtually every time we played it. So atmospheric, and just … amazing. Lol poor Jonny had to put up with me waxing lyrical about her tine over MSN – poor guy! He’d been a bit … well, literally short with me, i.e. he’d really seemed keen to not talk to me, but he seemed perfectly happy to talk via MSN. After contemplating it I decided to ask if I annoyed him, although I didn’t tell him the reason for asking. He said I didn’t, but whether he was just being nice I’m not sure. I asked him to be honest, but you never know with people – they may feel it’s better not to hurt the other person than to be honest. But hey, he seems happy to speak via MSN, and throughout the course he seemed happier to talk to me at orchestra, so perhaps he wasn’t lying. I don’t know. But hey – it’s not quite the end of the world if he hates my guts. Of course it would be annoying, but not the end of the world … ! But seriously, I’d be in more trouble if one of my schoolfriends confessed they hated my guts, than if he were to.

Thursday: Oh dear. I seem to have forgotten it. Perhaps I should find the chat log for Jonny for that night, see if that holds any clues. Also for Nikita. Yes, shall do that now. OK, well the conversation with Jonny has told me we went through the Glazounow at some point. That shocked me in some places too – faster than expected, but with a beautiful viola melody at the bottom of the second page. Must write that up at some point, before I forget it. Twas interesting, with some odd notes that are better known as their enharmonic equivalents, and fingering needed to be sorted. Also bowing, but that applied to every piece lol. I do remember that the very little practice I did on Wednesday night helped a bit actually – I felt I could actually read half of it! So yes, Thursday was a better day in terms of playing. Oh, and on the bus I found out that Andy was in fact gay (I had suspected it, what with him seeming rather effeminate) and also it sort of surprised me that Alex is also, though after having had it pointed out I could then see how he seemed a little effeminate too. I didn’t actually ask; it just came up in conversation with Rosie (who incidentally hates Andy lol) though I’m not entirely sure quite how. I remember her saying that Alex had a photo up of his boyfriend up on MSN, but the rest I can’t really remember. I can only remember that much after much racking of my (admittedly tiny) brain! Not that it’s relevant, just a small point. Lol Suzi found it quite funny when I mentioned it – she said we’re probably one of the only orchestras to have two gay guys on front desk viola. I guess she’s right actually – I mean what are the chances? Not that it’s important, but Andy did make me laugh, as I’ve already said. My goodness I must seem so immature writing about this! I’m not even sure quite why I found it vaguely interesting – or at least interesting enough to write about!

I ate alone at lunchtime because Mandy and Cath had gone to Newnham to see second orch, and I really wasn’t feeling amazingly sociable. I also wanted to practise and was fortunate to find that the sectional room was empty. It was quiet, so I plucked up the courage to put my maskers in. I say plucking up the courage because for some reason if people don’t know me I find it a bit, well, not scary as such, just I somehow get nervous. And the thing was, once I’d put them in I was planning to keep them in for sectionals. I know I don’t tend to need them when playing or listening to music (unless I’m in the audience a fair way away) but sectionals were very bitty, and we’d always stop and it bugged me during those silences, so I was going to put them in for sectionals. The ‘problem’ was finding the right time to put them in, so that lunchtime seemed the perfect time. And it was lol.

Anyway, I practised for about an hour – I mostly practised my violin piece (Allegro Brilliante by Willem Ten Have – great show piece; just Graham’s style!) which sounded much better on viola actually – well with being a fifth lower, I’m sure most things do. But especially when I have to go up the G – of course on viola that’s up the C, and it just sounded rather cool, if I may say so myself. Though even on the violin that bit sounds rather cool. I managed to get the whole thing fairly loud, if nothing else! It really helped my shifting too – I had to instinctively know where the notes were, which was good practice for certain bits of the actual orchestra pieces – mostly the lyrical bits that had to be right. The lyrical, slow bits, which also needed good tone, so the bit going up the string was good for that. OK so I still wasn’t good at anything, but better than before – it was a piece for which I knew a lot of the notes, so it’s just working on quite how it all sounds! I can’t play about a third of it – the double-stopping semi-quavers, but they weren’t the bits for shifting and tone. More … well, practice for double-stopping! Anyway. I also went through the Bach Cello Suite Prelude – the one that everyone knows – because I don’t know what else to do to it by myself. I’m sure that intonation’s probably still a problem, but the real problem is that I can’t tell without someone playing with me! I did actually go through a couple of orchestra bits too, but it wasn’t proper practice to be honest. Still, every small amount counts, so …

During full rehearsal in the afternoon we went through The Swan again, I’m pretty sure. Again I was waxing lyrical about Vivienne’s tone afterwards, but hey. I remember there was still snow and ice around (my goodness, it seems like ages ago; it was only about two and a half weeks ago!) because the coach stopped at St Thomas More to pick up third band, but nobody was waiting outside. So the driver was about to go when Dan said they’d probably be waiting inside – this was when the driver was just about to go out of the school gates! So the driver stopped and Dan went in, with the echoes of JL and Grace’s ‘be careful Dan!’ ringing in his ears, and he brought all the people out. And oh my goodness this was the day my stupidity really surfaced …

OK, so I’d been organised and written down the times I’d be picked up and dropped off on both the way there and the way back. Now I know I swap numbers (digits) around but even I was shocked – I’d swapped the pick-up and drop-off times around. So I’d told Mum I should be dropped off at quarter past 5 – of course that’s when I’d just got on the bus, and we were due back at 6.25. Major oops. But Mum had said that If we weren’t in Flitwick by 5 o’clock, to let her know – well we’d only just finished rehearsing at 5, so of course I couldn’t let her know – and anyway, I’d only realised when I got onto the bus, by which time it was far too late. So I was panicking away, when I had a brainwave – I could phone Dan’s parents, explain to them and ask if they could go outside and tell Mum. Mm, good plan, except when Dan phoned them (twice) there was no answer. At just gone half past I was a bit desperate (Mum was going to kill me; I just knew it) so phoned home, hoping for what I’m not entirely sure. Dad was there, and said that Mum had left five minutes previously, so I was beating myself up for that. So all the way home I was panicking, feeling a right dolt (which I was) and Jon-Luke’s initial ‘you idiot Charlotte, you dipstick! She’ll hate you forever now!’ really didn’t help. I knew I was an idiot, a dipstick and every other stupid thing under the Sun; I just didn’t need it rubbed in! Anyway, I got there and Dad was waiting for me. It transpired that at ten to six Mum had gone into Dan’s and asked if they knew anything, and was told the time we were supposed to arrive, so she went home and Dad had come to pick me up instead. I got home and explained, and fortunately she was cross for all of about a minute so that was OK. I really thought she’d hate me for the rest of the evening, if nothing else. Because apart from anything, she would have been worrying herself to death, wondering what could have happened. I don’t think she did, but on the journey that’s all I could think of. And seeing as I’d practised at lunchtime, I excused myself from practising that night. The honest truth is I couldn’t be all that bothered *whistles nonchalantly* Um, I think that’s it for Thursday.

Friday: Mm, I can’t remember a great deal off the top of my head. Let’s see … OK, so MSN conversations hold no clues. Perhaps I wasn’t actually online at all that night. Oh well. I remember a couple of things though – during afternoon full Michael was saying something about a New Year’s concert at the Corn Exchange, whereby the orchestra would sit against one wall, with chairs around the edge by the other walls, with a space in the middle for people to dance. He was saying that when the orchestra was quite large and doing well in the 70s and 80s, that they did these concerts every year, during which they would play mostly Strauss – waltzes and polkas. He asked if we’d be happy to do something like that, and the general consensus was yes, we would be happy to do that. So I was wondering what exactly would be happening, because he also mentioned something about only preparing half of a concert to end the course if we were to prepare for a NY concert too.

Nick asked me at the start of morning sectional whether I’d been having some bow trouble at the beginning of the week to which I replied affirmatively. (I had been wondering if Mrs Brown had brought a bow across, and concluded it was just as well I did have a new bow, else I’d have been bow-less.) He said that Marion (the manager of the band) had a bow for me in the office, and was wondering what to do with it – whether I would take custody of it, or whether she should look after it and give it back. This led onto me explaining what sort of bow trouble I’d been having, and he took a look at my new bow, and was rather impressed at the price. It was then that I learnt it was Chinese with ‘excellent workmanship’ etc, etc. I then mentioned that all I needed now was a decent instrument on which to play the bow, and he thought it wasn’t a bad instrument – he was rather surprised when I said it was a Skylark, so I showed him. He then said that if it was a decent setup then it shouldn’t sound too bad (yup, I’ve heard that before – and yes, of course I believe it but I just wish I could get that decent sound!) He then told me that he’d played with a fantastic player in an orchestra for years, and was curious as to what make this guy’s instrument was – lo and behold it was an old Skylark! He said he couldn’t believe it, but when the guy showed him there it was! So yes, a real confidence-booster – I don’t think. Just annoying to know that I should be able to make a good sound anyway (Graham could!) yet there’s nothing of it there when I play.

(Though I just have to add this in – when I was trying out the bows, the guy said that for a decent instrument a person really should have a decent bow. He also said that the guideline was to spend about one-third on the bow of what was spent on the instrument – so I said ‘oh, that’ll be £25 then!’ and he said something along the lines of ‘surely it’s worth more than that! Yours is a decent instrument.’ I then told him what it was, and he said he’d never have known – he actually said that I made it sound better than that. And this is a guy who specialises in strings and folk music, so he does know a decent sound when he hears one. I’m sorry, this seems like such an egotistical, bragging paragraph, but it’s not often I get any compliments like that. I still don’t think I sound any good, but it did make me happy for the rest of the day at least. Boosted my confidence a little, for a short while!)

Anyway, Nick also said that with my bow broken where it was, I could easily get it repaired with superglue, and twine to bind and hold it just for more stability. I was pleased to hear that, though when I went back to school I said about it to Mrs Brown who said not to bother trying to get it repaired – it wasn’t worth much and as I’d already replaced it, it wasn’t really worth it. I was a bit disappointed to hear that – lol Nick had said ‘if you really love it, it’s worth getting it mended’ and I did – do – really love it. Hence I was rather disappointed by Mrs Brown’s reaction. Anyway the point is at music school the day after (i.e. a week after NY’s Eve) I asked Mrs Perry’s opinion, seeing as I’d had Nick and Mrs Brown telling me different things, and she said it was a good break – Glen sat on it very well! She was saying how to mend it, and I’m not sure but my facial expression must have been a bit odd, because after looking at me for a moment she offered to take it and do it herself! So I got that back this Saturday (the 14^th) and am very happy – I do prefer my new bow in terms of balance and weight, but it means my old one works and I can rely upon it if for any reason I don’t have my new one – if I leave my new one in my viola case when I need to play my violin, for example. Which reminds me, I should put my old one in my violin case – at the moment it’s in my viola case, and is better off being used for violin rather than viola. I’m tempted to see how long it’ll last before I do need it re-hairing!

Oh dear! Oh well, never mind … *glances away suspiciously*

I forgot this originally – we had chocolate in sectional! They were ground coffee beans coated in dark chocolate so I didn’t have any, but on principle … ! :D Remembering this also helps me pinpointing when we had ‘question time – a viola section bonding session’ - !!! Can’t remember what was asked though – oh yeah! We were asked of we weren’t at Uni, what were we going to do after leaving school? Lol we went round the in the usual direction – Andy round to me, and with going off on as many tangents as you care to imagine, they didn’t get round to me! Not that I mind overly, but I suppose it would have been good to let them know that I am serious about playing, seeing as I shall need it in order to become a peri teacher lol. Oh well – it’s not as if it’s a really important thing, to let them know!

Saturday: Was New Year’s Eve. I remember people discussing what they were going to be doing to celebrate, so of course I was looking a bit silly by not actually having any plans, but I really honestly didn’t care! (aww, I’ve just accidentally chewed my nail off … :’( I didn’t realise what I was doing til it came off!) I can’t really remember what I did that lunchtime. Oh yeah, I think that may have been the lunchtime when I sat with Rachel in front of the heater, and when I got up I killed my wrist. I was going to wash my hands anyway, so I marched to the toilets wringing my wrist muttering ‘owie owie owie – ouch that hurts!’ and noticed that Jonny was on the seats with some other people as I walked past. Thing is I heard a noise that I thought may have been my name (which sounded like Jonny’s voice) but didn’t want to backtrack to see if he’d actually said anything to me, and look stupid upon finding out that he hadn’t. But then there was the risk of looking rude … you know how it is – you think a sound is actually your name, and you’re not sure. But by the time it had registered that it *might* have been my name it was a bit too late to backtrack. I was fully aware that it may not have been my name and therefore if I’d gone back and stood there with (what I would have hoped to be) an inquiring, semi-expectant look on my face, I may well have made an idiot of myself, and freaked them out in the bargain. So I decided to chance looking rude – he knows about my hearing anyway – and carried on. I made sure I waved on the way back, but there’s still that nagging doubt of potential guilt. I was considering asking him, but I’ve left it too late – he’ll not remember! I just wish I’d asked! Oh well. Not entirely sure why I wrote about that – never mind! Oh yeah, I had to find out about the New Year’s concert – it’s just as well that Mandy said about it being ‘next year’ – I had definitely not heard the important bits of what Michael was saying the day before! I’m not entirely sure if I missed any other important bits, but I guess that was the main thing – that it would be next year lol!

Um, I stayed up really rather late and semi watched the fireworks on the TV – I was actually on the computer at the time, and only really aware of the fireworks for a short while. But what I saw of them was pretty spectacular – the ones from the tallest building in the world, in Taiwan, were rather cool, though I did like the London ones too. I think the London ones were more interesting to be honest! And no that’s not patriotism, because I don’t *do* patriotism!

Oh! I know what happened – Michael came into sectionals during the 6/8 bit in Berlioz, with the grace-notes followed by a single quaver each time, which I couldn’t play at all. Of course being last desk I was near the door, and Sophie (my desk partner) was ill. So of course he stood right behind me, and oh my goodness I have never felt so small! I panicked whenever he came in anyway, so knowing I was making a right hash of this bit, I wasn’t quite paralysed, but I couldn’t read the notes at all. They were there in black and white, but nothing was registering apart from blind panic, and the knowledge that he was seeing just how useless I am! So he was saying things like ‘I can see some of you are finding it a little difficult, perhaps try taking out the first note of each group, if you can’t move four fingers that quickly.’ He didn’t mean it nastily – I’m fairly sure he didn’t – but I knew he was specifically referring to me. Even then I couldn’t do it – in fact it was worse, because I knew he was expecting me to be able to do it. So I panicked even more, and boy was that just about the worst bit of the course! I just wanted to die – I could feel myself going bright red, and I didn’t know what on Earth to do – do I make it obvious by trying to hide, or do I just try my level best to act normal, and try to ignore it? With Michael behind me, at least he couldn’t see my face – though I bet my neck was just as red! But I just felt as though the rest of the section knew it was me, and were all wondering what I was doing there if I couldn’t even play that bit! I briefly glanced to see whether Andy was looking at me – I mean just the principle of it, it tends to help if the section leader doesn’t think you’re an utter gibbering idiot. I can’t remember what his expression was, but at least he wasn’t looking directly at me – that would just have been scary. That was a terrifying sectional! After that I just wanted to wipe everyone’s memory, so they’d forget *quite* how hopeless I am, but of course that wasn’t going to happen. I just wanted to cry at that point, though at least I wasn’t on the verge of tears. I remember the only day at chamber when I wasn’t on the verge of tears at all was on the Sunday – incidentally the day we had Julian tutoring us. Probably co-incidence, as we weren’t playing our concert pieces much anyway. So orchestra was better in terms of levels of tearfulness!

O lol just a bit of conversation we had about Michael, and I quote:

Me: ‘oh, in the Berlioz [ … just what I said before … ] SO scary!’

Jonny: ‘we all quake when he comes in :)’

Me: ‘lol – [ … Sophie wasn’t there for moral support … ] I mean, does he *ever* come in at a bit that everyone can play, or does he only ever come in during the bits that hardly anyone can play?’

Jonny: ‘yes. he listens outside the door :P’

I actually believed him for a while …

Oh, and that was the day Michael took the fast 6/8 melody in string sectional up two notches! Even the basses had the melody, and I could just about play it just under tempo – but not quite up to tempo. Still, at least it gave them something to do … ! Needless to say I couldn’t play it all – I managed to finish at the right time, but that was it … Jonny just about managed to keep up. Sickening really! But yeah – I much preferred viola sectional to string sectional – the poor seconds had it in the neck a bit, and Mr Shaylor was getting frustrated with them, though apparently he was absolutely fine during sectional afterwards. He’s cool – I really can’t imagine him really frustrated. The most frustrated he ever was with me was when a) I ordered the wrong book – I ordered volume 1 instead of 4! And b) when I forgot my viola and brought along my violin instead. That was a dippy moment, even for me! But anyway, apparently he was frustrated with them for the first couple of days because they (with the exception of front desk) just weren’t getting it. And then when they got in sectionals, it didn’t carry over to full. Oh well – they got it in the end!

*hums the dum dadiyum dayum dadeedum (very folky, on oboe) bit of Tchaikowsky’s 1812 Overture – great piece!* (Guess what I’m listening to right at this moment!)

Anyway, that was a bit frantic, so a nice semi-relaxing second movement. Though only relaxing in comparison – the crotchet beats were fairly fast in comparison to the norm. Though yeah, that was cool. We have some cool crotchet pizz bits, then a folk-dance-y bit, which really gets stuck in one’s head! The folky bit had string crossings – all slurred of course – and I couldn’t do it. I think it may have been a mental thing rather than physical – I could kind of bluff it when I just thought ‘oh, may as well go for it, and try to get the important notes.’ I just remember I didn’t completely muck it up in the concert – at least I didn’t think so anyway! Oh! The last four bars were purely woodwind – I think oboes and possibly clarinet, and Michael was right – Sibelius just effectively threw the piece away. Lovely four bars though! Oh LOL! At the beginning I forgot it was bows down! *is mortified* So of course I was the only one with a bow in the air … argh! Never mind, no-one said anything. Fortunately!

Straight into the third movement then, with the violas playing a cool quaver pattern, doubling each quaver. Michael told us we were ‘holding it together brilliantly’ during one rehearsal towards the end. It was in Gb major too *nods sagely* I liked it. We were all divise, and the harmonies sounded great during sectionals. There was also one bit with cool harmonies, with ricochet bowing. It’s great; I can do it now! Although I didn’t really get it until the final couple of days, and that was after the sectional we spent trying to get it right – I felt such a fool for not being able to do it, but after practising by myself I managed to get it. Took a couple of bars to get into it, but after that it was fine. Typically though, I can do it fine now, but it was semi-bluffed for the concert. Never mind – it could have been worse. At least I noticed the C-flats! But! The ‘Swan Hymn’ was the bit that got stuck in everyone’s heads! And that was the bit during which I always got lost, until I realised to look out for Julian’s bow moving one way for two bars, instead of 3. Then I knew where we were again. Also watching Andy’s bow during the syncopated Eb minims was vital – when it went down to cross the string I knew exactly where we were, and could then count a bit more, and also when his bow was moving for 3 crotchet beats instead of 2, I knew to stop! Else I’d have played in the rests – or more to the point, in the silences (discounting tinnitus of course :P ) as they were complete rests. I.e., none of the orchestra played in them. So anyway, the chords punctuating the rests were the ones requiring ‘followthrough’ lol. We were told by Mr Shaylor we needed followthrough, which also helped keep bows away from strings during the rests! It worked, fortunately. I’d have died if I’d played in the rests! But oh my word, what a buzz to play! I just wanted to jump for joy, and run around, and be as high as can be. I had to be still though, because we stood up when the audience applauded, etc, etc. But my word, I cannot describe it – it was just out of this world. Exhilarating doesn’t even come close.

After the concert I was desperate to see Nick and to thank him. I also really wanted to find Michael to thank him too, though to be honest I was more worried about finding Nick. All through the concert I was searching for him in the audience – I could see Julian, and John, and Martin, but not Nick. Anyway, fortunately I saw him talking to someone and made sure I had his attention when he was done. Lol he said ‘well done, playing at the back there; I bet you’re exhausted’ though I wasn’t – too much adrenaline! I couldn’t find Michael – he wasn’t downstairs, and there’s no way I was going to knock on his dressing room door! Billy and Heather stopped and spoke to me; both said ‘well played’ which was nice of them. It turns out Heather had asked ‘Bill, shall we go?’ to which he replied ‘ok, yep’ and so along they came! I was pleased they came actually – shows Billy held no ill feeling for not getting in. Lol I liked their approach too – a snap decision. Wish I could do that. I waved to Jonny as we left – he was on the phone, else I’d have stopped and spoken to him. Oh, and Andy said ‘well played’ to me too, which I felt was really nice of him. There was no need to say that because I didn’t play well, but yeah. That was nice of him – also the fact he went out of his way to say that to me, when there really was no need. It’s little things like that that strengthen my faith in humanity. OK I’d prefer people to be honest, but most people like white lies designed to make them feel good. But yeah.

OK, so viola question time. When we were supposed to be at string sectional we had the question ‘if you could invent grass, what would it be like?’ We went from it being like a trampoline (Andy’s idea) to it being like chocolate (we could burn off the calories by bouncing around :P !) and fluffy, and always smelling of freshly-cut grass (Nick’s idea) and pollen-less (no more torture for people with hayfever) and purple, pink and fluffy with little rainbows above it, etc, etc. Mine was boring. I could only think of pollen-less and softer. Oh well.

Mandy and I got on so well. Oh darn! I was supposed to e-mail her! Well, not supposed to, but I intended to. Bother. Well she didn’t want to apply for Cambridge, even though she’s been told by lots of people that she should. She’s going to do French and Spanish at Uni. Anyway.

Oh, one thing that happened scared me a bit. Nick was looking at Andy’s music to check the bowings, and there was a gap between him and the music stand, through which I could see Andy’s face. Anyway, I was looking in that direction (not sure why, though I was always watching Nick to see when he spoke, in order to lip-read) and all of a sudden he looked at me directly in the eyes, and for some reason I got butterflies. Thinking about it I think it may have been sudden fear. Eye contact isn’t my forte, especially with only vague acquaintances and strangers. Even with friends it’s not great – I always get away with not making eye contact by lip-reading. But on the occasions I do make eye contact, it’s either for a reason, or by accident and I feel highly uncomfortable. Which I did. So definitely butterflies of fear, not the good butterflies. Though in this instance butterflies of fear are far better!

OK, so what did I learn? Well, that following the leader really is the best policy! Follow their bowings, and they’ll always be in the right place. Anyway, if not, if we all follow them, then we’ll at least be in the wrong place together! Also respect for my instrument; it seemed a little odd to me but all the string players packed their instruments away between rehearsing – even during breaks in full. I just did what everyone else (when in Rome, and all that … ) and whenever I put strings away, I clean them, and now my bow. And I thought about it, and it’s taught me respect for my instrument – it may be rubbish, but it mainly does the job. Everyone else respects theirs deeply, and by doing that I think I learned something valuable. It’s not the only one I have, but it’s the best. My other will take a lot of setting up, and if anything breaks it’ll need replacing. So if I can avoid that, then all for the better. Also my bow – I have immense respect for that! But just seeing how everyone else views their instrument rubbed off on me, and I’m glad. I also learnt, as well as it being important to follow the leader’s bow, but also how to. By that I mean it just got me into the habit of watching – I found at LYO on Wednesday that I just watched the leader’s bow (leader of seconds, that is) out of habit. Lol six days and it’s habit – well, it was actually only about two or three days before it was habit. So that’s good, though it’s weird being leader at music school. And at school, actually – I’m leading strings! Yay, except it’s difficult! The one time we have difficult music, and I’m leader, so everyone can certainly see how rubbish I am. Great(!) That’s not the point though.

I also have learnt to actually follow bowings that are written in, which is good – I now do that by habit too. It’s not helped for when I think I’m doing something but am actually doing something else, but in terms of following ups and downs it’s helped immensely. I also now realise just how many bits to symphonies there are that are just never heard! The majority of the viola part in the first movement of the Sibelius was inaudible to be honest – I can only pick it out on the recording [not of us] that I have because I know what it’s meant to be. Else I’d never have known it was there.

Plus I noticed just how much I stim – almost constantly during rests I sat there jigging my knee. I also freaked out Nick, the oboist – I was trying to tune up and had to press my ear as close to the instrument as possible to actually hear myself, so I was looking behind, but by then I’d zoned out – it was only when I came to that I realised he was looking rather shocked! I then realised why he was looking shocked – I’d been staring directly at him, though that just happened to be the direction in which my eyes were. Oh, talking of eyes, I kept hyperfocusing again. It happens sometimes, and at orchestra it was happening with Nick and Michael when I was focusing intently on their lips. Everything in my vision went grey and fuzzy, apart from their head / face. Lol twas quite funny, and I managed to focus normally again, but I hadn’t done it for a while. It’s literal hyperfocus – I noticed it a lot in yr 11, especially in English when I was at the back, and also in science. I can’t make myself do it (I’ve tried, purely out of interest) and when I notice, I focus normally fairly quickly again. It also happens when I’m lost in thought, and am just looking at one particular spot – it helps me to concentrate, and it works until I notice I’ve hyperfocused when I lose my train of thought. I wonder if anyone else does that?

Oh yes. I know for certain now that there’s no point hoping to be able to hear myself at all, especially when tuning up. I gave up after the first day, after which it was just so nobody noticed and asked why I wasn’t tuning up – I was also a bit frightened of them thinking that either I assumed I was in tune, or that I just couldn’t be bothered. Well I could be bothered – I pressed the scroll to my ear and plucked the strings whilst Vivienne was playing an A, and tuned up that way. Wood and bone are far better sound conductors than air!

And back to bowing – I realised how important it is for a section to all be doing the same bowings. Often there’s an acoustic reason for doing a particular bow, but the rest of the time it just looks so tidy! If we’re all knitting it looks terrible, though I did at one point get a bit obsessed, and got really stressed when I didn’t know exactly what bowings we were supposed to be doing lol. I did get rather hung up about it, I must admit. And now to finish – at long last! It’s taken me hours to type up!

Wow. They must have been mad! I *told* them I was auditioning on violin because my viola’s rubbish, so get this – my ‘violin playing wasn’t quite up to the standard at present’ so they’ve asked me to join on viola! How does that work?!? Either way I’m happy – I wanted to go in on viola but didn’t dare audition on it because mine’s so rubbish, but I’ve ended up in First Orchestra on viola anyway. Woohoo!!! I’m sure Billy must have got in, as should have Laura, which means that although I may only be friends with Cath, I’ll know a few others there too. Yay! And I’ll know someone in sectionals – Graham will wonder why on earth they let me in, and rightly so. So do I actually, and Billy’s bound to say something – again, justifiably. I honestly can’t understand it – they didn’t mis-type it instead of 2^nd Orchestra because only for first do we have to sign to say we understand we’re expected to attend all courses and rehearsals, and that was in the envelope. Mad, I tell you, they must be mad. Or they might just have pity for me and realise that if I sit at the back the screechings will be slightly more tolerable. Either way I’m glad!

Happeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! (A Dave invention) Well, for now anyway. I can feel it wearing off but I'll try to act overjoyed tomorrow.